Sunday, June 6, 2021
By:
Hello! My name is Gina Pantano, and I am a recent graduate from the University of Tampa with a B.S. in Physics and Mathematics. I will be one of the NASA Goddard Space Flight Center Research Interns this summer (pinching myself!). I am extremely grateful for this opportunity, and I want to thank SPS and the NASA GSFC for making this internship possible despite the limitations COVID-19 has caused. Joseph and I will be working (remotely) in the Observational Cosmology Laboratory, which is part of the Astrophysics Science Division at GSFC, on the EXperiment for Cryogenic Large-Aperture Intensity Mapping (EXCLAIM) mission. EXCLAIM is a balloon-borne far-infrared telescope that will survey star formation history over cosmological time scales to improve our understanding of why the star formation rate declined at redshift z ~ 2, despite continued clustering of dark matter [1]. The mission's goal is to map the emission of redshifted CO and CII lines using a relatively new observational technique known as intensity mapping. Yeah, I was a bit overwhelmed reading that at first too, so let's break it down a bit more…
The EXCLAIM team will measure the integrated sky emission of carbon monoxide and singly-ionized carbon line transitions at different redshifts using line intensity mapping (see attached figure and link). This will allow us to observe the evolution of these tracers going back as far as 12 Gyr! By analyzing these changes and cross-correlating our observations with galactic surveys, we will be able to provide a more detailed reconstruction of star formation rates. My job is to produce high-fidelity simulations of the EXCLAIM mission using the “limlam mocker” (Python code that creates line intensity maps from a given halo catalogue) as we enter into the mission’s final design stages.
My goal for these weekly blog posts is to be as candid as possible, so you, the reader, can take away something from my experience. That means exposing the good, the bad, and the UGLY realities of rewarding research. I want to share my true feelings at each stage, and how I overcome the inevitable obstacles I will face. For each post, I will explain the events I attended, physics I have learned, and share my overall experience and feelings from the week.
Weekly Events
The week started off with our SPS Intern Orientation on Tuesday where we discussed program expectations, upcoming events, the structure of our final presentations, best practices being a mentee, and so much more. The entire AIP staff has been so welcoming and encouraging over the past couple of weeks, and has fostered an environment where any intern can speak up if they find themselves struggling. I love the sense of community SPS brings to everything they do. Later on that day, I met up with Joseph and my mentor, Dr. Eric Switzer. Dr. Switzer is the Principal Investigator for the EXCLAIM mission and has an impressive background working as an Astrophysicist at the GSFC since 2013. I am honored to have the opportunity to work and learn from him over the summer, considering he is living out my dream!! He gave Joseph and me a brief overview of the mission and some provisional topics to start working on. On Thursday, I got to attend my first weekly collaboration meeting where Joseph and I got to briefly introduce ourselves to the team. Later on, we had our first official SPS event where we had the opportunity to talk to Dr. David Helfand, Professor of Astronomy at Columbia University and the AIP Board Chair. We had a nice (well, scary) discussion on the misinformation epidemic, most notably seen recently with the COVID-19 pandemic. I am looking forward to reading his book, “A Survival Guide to the Misinformation Age: Scientific Habits of Mind.” On Friday, I got to attend my first group EXCLAIM meeting, which discussed the layout of the spectrometer before freezing the design for the first fabrication run. I was in awe of how intricate and complex the design is. The group was very collaborative and used a google sheet to keep track of everyone's suggestions and necessary steps to complete each task. Afterwards, I got to meet with Trevor Oxholm, a fourth-year graduate student at the University of Wisconsin, who I also have the pleasure of working with over the summer. Trevor has been working with the EXCLAIM team for two years as part of his thesis work. Later in the evening, I coordinated an SPS social event. The interns and I voted on Antman as our bad physics movie to watch, and the commentary was even more hilarious than the “physics” in the movie. Next week, Joseph and I will attend the NASA Internship Orientation and a bunch of meetings. We will also be starting a crash course series on Python hosted by NASA, which will help a lot with my computationally intensive research.
Overall Experience and Feelings
Imposter syndrome is REAL, folks. For those who are unfamiliar with the term, the psychologists Suzanne Imes and Pauline Rose Clance first described the phenomena in the 1970s [2]. Imposter syndrome is when an individual doubts their abilities and has an internalized fear of being found out as a fraud. Oftentimes, I find myself thinking I am not as competent as others perceive me to be, especially working with extremely brilliant people! I have always had a difficult time accepting/celebrating my accomplishments because of pesky imposter syndrome. I convince myself it's a result of good luck or my experiences only seem good on paper. This past week, although I have been filled with lots of excitement, I have also experienced some uneasiness due to feeling lost. Members of the EXCLAIM team use a lot of technical terms and discuss physics that I am unfamiliar with. This uncertainty of course leads me down the rabbit hole, “I am not smart enough” and “what if my mentor realizes I am not smart enough?” So, how does one overcome imposter syndrome?
As a long-time victim of pesky imposter syndrome, I have found ways that have helped me to overcome these thoughts. First, understand that this is extremely common, especially among women [3]! You are not alone in experiencing self-doubt and your feelings are valid. However, dive deep into exploring why you feel the way you do. Sit down and ask yourself, “why do I feel less competent than the other people in the room?” or “why do I have feelings of not being good enough?” You will quickly realize you do not have a solid answer. This is simply because nine times out of ten our feelings are not our reality!! “Just because what you feel is authentically and validly what you feel, this does not mean the feeling is true to life and accurate, since it can be powerfully influenced by what you think and what you do.” [4]. Our feelings often lead us to make presumptions or assumptions about how other people feel which can be extremely problematic and usually way off. A lot of imposter syndrome stems from caring about what other people think. The reality is people are more concerned about themselves than you. Second, recite your accomplishments to yourself and practice positive affirmations! Our thoughts control our feelings, our feelings control our actions, and our actions control our reality. If you vocally repeat to yourself in the mirror, “I am amazing” every day for several weeks, you are going to feel amazing. You retrain your brain to think differently. I am amazing leads to feeling amazing, feeling amazing leads to doing amazing things, doing amazing things leads to amazing results. It is that simple (well, easier said than done)! Thirdly, it is OKAY to not know everything. The other day my mentor asked me to add a slide that “tracks overall project definition.” I was unsure what he meant, so I asked for clarification. Admitting to something you do not know is a sign of intelligence. It shows you are open-minded and willing to learn. Have you ever noticed when someone stutters during a presentation or admits a mistake, we tend to like them or relate to them more? This is something psychologists have labeled as the beautiful mess effect [5]. The idea is we view our vulnerability more negatively than other people do. In fact, we love seeing the raw truth and openness in other people, so why do we refrain from asking questions or seeking help? Food for thought!
I apologize for the long rant, but this topic is extremely important to address because it's a very common theme that undergraduate/graduate researchers experience. Overall, besides feeling a bit uneasy, I am ecstatic to be a part of the EXCLAIM team and have the opportunity to gain more computational experience this summer. I have always dreamed of working at NASA, but I never thought my dream would become a reality. I am looking forward to sharing my experience with all of you. Stay tuned for more!
Happy researching,
Gina Pantano
Resources
[1] Essinger-Hileman, T. M., Oxholm, T. M., Siebert, G. L., Ade, P. A., Anderson, C. J., Barlis, A., Barrentine, E. M., Beeman, J., Bellis, N. G., Breysse, P. C., Bolatto, A. D., Bulcha, B. T., Cataldo, G., Connors, J. A., Cursey, P. W., Ehsan, N., Fernandez, L.-R., Glenn, J., Golec, J. E., … Yang, S. (2020). Optical Design of the Experiment for Cryogenic Large-Aperture Intensity Mapping (EXCLAIM). Millimeter, Submillimeter, and Far-Infrared Detectors and Instrumentation for Astronomy X. https://doi.org/10.1117/12.2576254
[2] Weir, K. (2013, November). Feel like a fraud? American Psychological Association. https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/fraud.
[3] Tulshyan, R., & Burey, J.-A. (2021, February 11). Stop Telling Women They Have Imposter Syndrome. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2021/02/stop-telling-women-they-have-imposter-syndrome.
[4] Friedman, W. J. (n.d.). Feelings Are Authentic and Valid - Perceptions and Beliefs Are Suspect. Mental Help Feelings Are Authentic and Valid Perceptions and Beliefs Are Suspect Comments. https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/feelings-are-authentic-and-valid-percep...
[5] Jarrett, C. (2018, August 2). The "beautiful mess" effect: other people view our vulnerability more positively than we do. Research Digest. https://digest.bps.org.uk/2018/08/02/the-beautiful-mess-effect-other-peo...
More information on LIM: https://lambda.gsfc.nasa.gov/education/graphic_history/intensitymapping.cfm
Overview of EXCLAIM Mission: https://arxiv.org/abs/2101.11734
Gina Pantano (she/her/hers)